


Slowly

by hadanran



Category: Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, And for memes, Badly written porn, Don't worry, Forgive Me, Humanized ice cream, I'm Sorry, Multi, New York, Sort of shitpost, Strippers & Strip Clubs, They all have human names, They're all some sort of poor starving artist, everything after that is t-rated - e-rated, g-rated first chapter, they're humans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-07-28 13:35:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16242707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hadanran/pseuds/hadanran
Summary: Hal Baker (Half Baked) is just a lonely guy living in a cramped townhouse in New York City. When he gets evicted from his home, he's thrown onto the streets with nothing but his wallet and his dignity - yet barely even that. His life only turns around when he is taken in by a strange professional looking man and taken on a ride of his life, meeting all sorts of different and interesting people.





	Slowly

**Author's Note:**

> im so sorry but i actually tried really hard on this monstrosity...
> 
> pls enjoy nonetheless

He lived in a rundown, red brick townhouse right on a bustling street in New York City with three other roommates he hadn't even spoken to during his whole three years of living here. He only vaguely knew their names from the signs hanging on their bedroom doors in the hallway.

_Smith... Ben... and Chip._

He finally reached his own bedroom at the very end of the hallway with a janked sign labeled "Hal". Hal Baker if you wanted to be exact.

Not only were these four roommates struggling to pay rent - even together - but they were all unbearably annoying. Smith constantly burned his food and left the dirty and ruined dishes soaking in the sink, Ben always practiced his stretches - as he's a gymnast - in the living room while making overly loud sighing noises every time he successfully did the splits, and Chip... Well, Chip was fine, he just stayed up really late eating anything he could find.

Hal also just didn't have much of a life. He worked as a lowly rated journalist for a local foodie magazine: The New York Fork. Yeah, terrible name. Most of the magazine publishing company didn't even know he existed as he just wrote a tiny article in every issue titled "Queens Proteins" right after "The Staten Kitchen Island", "The Brooklyn Din", and "Getting Manhattan Fattened". He'd been trying to work his way up to an actual news reporter for his favorite news show "The New York Super" hosted by Foxx Chuck, but he just wasn't getting anywhere...

Hal shut his creaky bedroom door behind him, pressing his back up against it and sliding down it, whilst shrugging off his coat dusted with snow. His wooden floors creaked under his shift in weight. Hal pressed his cold face into his mitten-ed hands and groaned a muffled groan, grabbing his coat and chucking it across the room out of frustration, watching it land somewhat on his coat rack.

"This life sucks..." He whined to himself, "This isn't what I promised myself when I graduated college." He picked his head up, holding his breath to make sure he didn't cry. Hal stood up and made a beeline over to his dresser with a large mirror above it, looking himself in the face. 

He had a kind face. He wasn't someone you'd see on the street and think he could beat you up. He had short dark brown hair covered by an ushanka style fur hat and golden eyes. He had medium brown colored skin and dark freckles all over his soft-featured face. He rubbed at his face with his mittens before tugging them off and staring himself in the eyes.

"You moved to New York City to become a reporter." He said, staying silent after for a long time until, "Look where that got you..." He moaned, pulling his hat over his face and falling backwards onto his bed. He shook his head slowly before standing and heading out into the hallway to eat dinner. No one else was either home or out of their rooms. All four of them seemed to perfectly evade one anothers' presence at all times. Hal yanked open the fridge abruptly and ate a couple slices of Smith's pizza cold before shutting it again and trudging back to his room. He changed out of his clothes and burrowed himself under his covers, hoping tomorrow would be a better day.

\--

_"And today in Queens we've been watching this new up and coming cafe called 'Poultry-geists', ran by two brothers who used to live all the way down in Miami, Florida."_

Hal stopped typing and sighed. This isn't what he wanted to do for the rest of his life, let alone any of his life at all. He tapped mindlessly on his keyboard before spinning around in his chair and standing up, scanning the tops of everyone's heads, trying to find his boss. 

_Seems like he isn't here. Eh, I can leave an e-mail._

He sat back down in his chair and quickly typed out an e-mail to his boss.

_To Mister Colin, I've thought about it for quite some time now, and I think it would be best if I left this job. Writing this article every week for your magazine isn't doing anything for you, and it clearly isn't doing anything for me. I apologize, please do not take this personally. I'm just not happy in this position. Thank you for your understanding. Best wishes, Hal Baker._

"Oh my... God!" Hal screamed once he sent the e-mail and bolted out the glass doors, grabbing his stuff. He slowed to a walk as he approached his car, feeling relieved and free now that he was out of that terrible job. Hal shoved the keys into his ignition, starting his car and revving down the streets, cutting people off, and swerving carelessly. He pulled up in front of his townhouse, achieving a parking ticket-worthy parallel park job and striding up the steps. Hal pushed down on the rusting gold colored doorknob only to be greeted with _shushunk_. Um.... _Shushunk_. He continued to rattle the doorknob before his hands finally got cold and he looked up. Duct taped to the door was a piece of paper that was fading because of the lack of ink in its printer. The light ink read,

_Hello townhouse resident(s). It pains me to inform you that your payments this month have not been sufficient to keep yourself worthy of keeping in residency. I'm afraid I have to announce that the resident(s) of this townhouse are to be evicted. You will be able to collect anything you need from the inside at six in the evening today. I apologize for the inconvenience._

"Oh... my.... God....." Hal stared blankly at the door in disbelief, blinking and rubbing his eyes to make sure he wasn't hallucinating. He stood there for a good minute before coming to his senses and kicking the door out of anger, watching the snow and frost clinging to it fall to the ground. He turned around and sat on the icy steps, putting his head in his hands.

What am I gonna do now...? 

**Author's Note:**

> Human names to ice cream flavor translations in order of appearance:
> 
> Hal Baker - Half Baked  
> Smith - Gimme S'more!!  
> Ben - Banana Split  
> Chip - Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough  
> Foxx Chuck - New York Super Fudge Chunk (hopefully obviously)  
> Chandler Monty - Chunky Monkey  
> Paityn Berns - Pecan Sticky Buns (mentioned)  
> Stacy Chester - Strawberry Cheesecake (mentioned)  
> Blaine Ambers - Blondie Ambition  
> Urban Bourbon - Urban Bourbon (OBVIOUSLYY) [also fight me i know people named urban irl]


End file.
